Philosopher's Stone: Snape's Secret Diary
by Still-Fantasy
Summary: A insight into the Snape behind the grease, diary form as you could probably tell from the title. Don't be turned off by the number of chapters. Each chapter is about half to three quarters of a page. Humour. Don't forget to laugh.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi everyone! I see you've decided to read my fanfic. Unlike most Harry Potter though, this was solely created to entertain and humour you. If you're looking for heartbreaking romances, you either didn't pay attention to my summary (shame on you), you are hopelessly optimistic and think I'll change my mind halfway through or you think that I'm a liar. If you weren't looking for romance, you may read on.

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Entry One

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School at Hogwarts starts again today, and that means teaching. Hate teaching, especially the first-years. They're all witless toads. Might have felt better if I got the Defence Against the Dark Arts job. But Dumbledore refused. Again. He can be so stubborn sometimes! Had to sit through his usual start-of-year speech (secretly thought he was off his rocker) and the Sorting Hat's song (if the hat had a rocker, he'd be off it too). Then the sorting began. Boring as usual though I **did** find pleasure in discovering Lucius Malfoy's son Draco was attending this year. Finally! A new favourite! Zabini Blaise was getting tiresome. Got a bit of a shock when I heard that Harry Potter was attending too. Loathed him instantly. He looked just like his filthy father; same ugly face, same arrogant posture, same….beautiful windswept jet black hair. Can't get over the hair. James never told me the secret to his hair, even when I threatened to shove his wand up his nose in our first year. I even tried the s_courgify _spell in my second year. I aimed too high and it ended up hitting the caretaker. Given up ever since.

Also noticed that Minerva Mc Gonagall was looking as pretty as ever (I wonder what brand of cream she uses?). Said hello to her this morning. She didn't reply. In fact, it looked like she wanted to hex me. Obviously she still hadn't forgiven that little incident last Christmas when I accidentally sent her a jar of angry wasps. Wouldn't come out of the hospital wing for weeks. Of course, it was totally unintentional. I meant to send it to Filius Flitwick. He ended up getting the bunch of roses. Slightly awkward situation. Told him that some student must have played a prank. Reckon I got off lightly. Oh! It's almost 11! Must get some beauty sleep!

A/N: Well, how did I do? Please post reviews. I like reviews!!!


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Oo! You're reading the next chapter! Thank you for paying so much attention. Unless you came here by accident… Even if you did, please read this. I hope I manage to amuse you.

PS. Add reviews! If you've already added one, add another! Reviews boost my ego (I have such a pathetic ego). Now, keep reading.

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Entry Two

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Woke up today feeling very refreshed. That was until I noticed I was sleeping on the floor. It can't be my fault. I consider myself a highly-controlled sleeper. Must remember to get a bigger bed. Don't know if Dumbledore will let me though. Apparently a Queen-sized bed is big enough for me. I disagree. My stuffed toys need lots of space. All three hundred and twenty-six of them. Quirrell says I really should throw some out. He said they were utterly useless clutter. I argued that they helped protect me at night. Mummy always said so. Quirrell just sneered. I absolutely loathe him! At the same time, I feel pathetic. I was having an argument with a stuttering idiot!

On the bright (or rather dim) side, I had my first Potion lesson with the Gryffindors and Slytherins today. The minute I saw Potter's hair I got really annoyed again. Nobody but **me** deserves such marvellous hair! Especially not Potter. Him with his fame and glory. I got so jealous. Asked him some of the most basic questions and he couldn't answer them! I doubt he even knew that bezoars existed. Should have poisoned him when I got the chance, stolen his hair and made a wig. Dumbledore might have noticed though…

The Longbottom boy in my class was also a twit. Forgot to add porcupine quills to the potion. Had boils all over his nose (secretly checked mine just in case). Not that it mattered, he wasn't that pretty to start with.

The only person that seemed smarter than a Doxy, besides yours truly and that Mudblood Hermione, was Draco Malfoy. His hair is quite attractive too, silver-blonde and all. Wonder if blonde will suit me…


	3. Chapter 3

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Entry Three

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Damn. Blonde obviously isn't working for me. I know because Filch told me so. I demanded a refund, quite politely too. Stupid git refused to give me one so I 'slipped' a vial of Draught of Living Death into his drink. Ha! He should run out of business soon. It was a concentrated mixture.

I overheard Minerva talking to Flitwick about Dumbledore allowing Potter to have a Nimbus Two Thousand so he could play in the Gryffindor Quidditch. Apparently he's a fantastic flier like James. I still remember the carefree way James' hair would fly against the wind. I tried to create the same effect with my own hair once during a Quidditch tryout but I had to stop because grease kept flicking into people's eyes. In fact, they had to ban me from playing on the team. Shame though, I was a fantastic player, at least **I** thought so…

I also overheard Draco and Potter talking about some Midnight Duel. I think I'll secretly go and watch. Not to spy of course, just to…er…_monitor_ them in case anyone gets hurt (hardly unlikely but it's a good alibi). I wouldn't want either of their hairs to get dirty.

Later

Drats, it turned out Draco had tricked Potter and set Filch on him. That meant I had sat, huddled, in a miniature hidey-hole for nothing. It cramped my style and my legs. So peeved. On the bright side, I met Minerva on the way back to the staffroom dorms. She was coming back from the Gryffindor dorms where a second year had rolled over her wand, which somehow managed to set her quilt alight. I used the time with Minerva to apologise for the Christmas incident. After that, we had a perfectly normal conversation. That is, until I asked her about the lotion she used. She said that she didn't use lotion and that her face was naturally in that condition. Poppycock. I refused to believe it. Bet she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want anybody to know her secret. I'll find out sooner or later. I told her so and she glared at me and walked off in a huff. I don't get it. Why is it so strange for men to use lotion? We have to keep our skin unblemished and wrinkle-free too! Heaven forbid I should find a large pimple on my nose.

Still, I'm depressed that I'm still on bad (possibly worse) terms with her. Perhaps a bag of Honeyduke's Mocha Mix Marshmallows will change her attitude. I'll put the marshmallows in a box (the bag looks too ugly), wrap it up all nice and pretty and give it to her first thing in the morning. In the meantime, more beauty sleep!

A/N: Hi again! Please post reviews, I want to know if I'm heading in the right direction or towards a writer's cliff. Hope you're enjoying it so far!!!

PS. Yes, I know the Nimbus Two Thousand is meant to appear _after_ the Midnight Duel but bear with me okay?


	4. Chapter 4

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Entry Four

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Oh dear, it appears that Minerva is allergic to coffee. She broke out in spots after the first marshmallow. Am in a spot of bother now. All the other teachers think I did it on purpose because she's the Head of Gryffindor. It's not that I don't _like_ Gryffindor; it's just that I'm jealous of their house colours. Red and gold would look magnificent on me! Green and silver just aren't my style. I end up looking like a Christmas tree decorated by a garden gnome. Colours aside, I noticed the other two House Heads staring suspiciously at their pumpkin juice. For heavens sake, I'm not out to get everybody! Just a few…

Still, I have to make it up to Minerva _somehow_. I tried tap dancing (costume, cane and all) to this really snappy tune for her in the hospital wing. Took me five minutes to realise that her eyes weren't actually open. It felt thoroughly depressing. Of all the times I chose to do my stunt, I had to do it when she was asleep. Even worse, I spotted several students staring at me, mouths open (how rude). It turned out they had been visiting a friend who caught the flu. I quickly did a Memory Charm on them before anyone else found out. Might have been too strong though. They won't remember their homework for the next few weeks. Not that I would care, they probably forget it anyway. Wonder what's for lunch…

A/N: Hm, I seem to have a bit out of diary form. Excuse me for my inconsistency. Thanks for the reviews (if you haven't done one, do one now! Please.)


	5. Chapter 5

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Entry Four

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Just thought of the perfect present for Minerva.

A MAKEOVER!!!

Quickly took out my secret stash of cosmetics from my study (my beauty secrets need to remain secret) and started to spruce up Minerva's face. Don't think she ever looked better. Purple eyeshadow definitely suits her. I'd also highlighted her cheeks and applied this sparkly red lipstick I got from Madame Makeover's the other day. It's long-lasting. Won't wear off for the next 6 hours. Reckon she looks way better. Am currently reading Witch Weekly whilst waiting for her to wake up.

A few hours later

It seems that Minerva's fashion sense is completely different form mine. Took almost an hour to calm her down. Think the reflection of the mirror must have scared her. Broke that mirror for her. Unfortunately that ugly cow Trelawney walked into the hospital wing at that exact moment (said she'd developed a slight cough, yeah right). Am afraid to say she freaked. Had to wait half an hour before she completed her seven-years-of-bad-luck-speech. Quickly applied some lotion to my face the second I got back to my study. Too much dribble can cause wrinkles, Witch Weekly said so.

A/N: I know the past few entries seem rather short, but I swear it's an optical illusion! No, maybe I won't swear. Swearing creates wrinkles (hehehe). Sorry, sudden lapse of sanity there. Thank you for reading so far. Deeply appreciate it.


	6. Chapter 6

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Entry Six

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It's Halloween! Dressed up in a pumpkin suit for the occasion. I think orange suits me. Such a pity I had to take it off before breakfast. A house-elf thought I was a pumpkin some student had enchanted. Managed to convince him I was in a costume before he stuffed me into the oven (phew!).

Good news, Minerva's out of the hospital wing! Sent her a box of plain chocolates. Later found the in the bin. Some people are so paranoid!

The Halloween decorations looked as delightful as ever at dinner (despite the bats, hate bats). I was thoroughly enjoying my pumpkin soup (relieved I wasn't in it) when that blasted Quirrell ran in about some troll in the dungeons. I'm definitely sure I didn't see a troll in my dungeons the last time I checked. Sure, I saw a gigantic troll-like moving statue. But no troll. Bet he faked the faint too. Stupid git 'fainted' when I took my socks off once (though it _did_ take three packets of smelling salts to revive him, he must be an excellent faker). Behind all that stuttering, he's a cunning little sneak. I hid behind a stone pillar whilst everyone else filed out of the Great Hall. Sure enough, as soon as everyone had gone (minus me), he bolted right up and started to head towards the third floor. Naturally, I followed (aren't I brave and heroic?). I hoped to find some sort of hidden treasure. But NOOOOO! Quirrell wastes my time by chasing after some three-headed dog. Always knew he wanted a pet but this was ridiculous! After Quirrell left, I went to see what was so special about this dog. It bit me! It's got some nerve! However, wishing to be able to wake up the next morning, I had no choice but to leave. Calmly of course. Ok, fine. Truth is, I fled as fast as my lazy legs could carry me (really must start that yoga workout…). Almost reached the staffroom dorms when Minerva spotted me. Had to follow her and Quirrell to the dungeons. Didn't see the point. Potter (gorgeous hair as always), Granger that hair can't _all_ be hers!) and Weasley (such shocking hair!) had already defeated the troll. Got a bit of troll bogey on my robes. Curse the troll. Curse bogey. Curse troll bogey altogether. Curse that dog. And curse Quirrell!!!

A/N: Wow, that was long! Plz continue posting reviews (I hope I'm not starting to sound like a nagging nanna). Next chapter is Quidditch! Hurrah!


	7. Chapter 7

Congrats on making this far! You're very brave/kind (either that or you're delusional). Btw, Poppy is Madam Pomfrey's name (just in case you didn't know). March/plod/crawl on! Wait, you're reading, not off to war…

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Entry Seven

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That blasted dog bite seems to have gotten worse. Didn't go to see Madam Pomfrey though, too hard to explain how I got bitten. She wouldn't believe me anyway. Went to Filch instead. Felt a bit more comfortable showing him my leg than showing Poppy. Unfortunately also got spotted by Potter. Very embarrassing. Still, he should have knocked. He may have the most striking hair but his manners have yet to keep up.

Quidditch match was today! Hoped Slytherin would win but highly doubted it. Potter was bound to catch the Snitch before Terence Higgs, James had the same hair and he was an excellent flier.

The match started out fine. Marcus Flint pulled a fast one on Potter (go Slytherin!) and made him lose the Snitch. Pity he was fouled. Decided to give him a cookie after the match. Thought it'll cheer him up. Couldn't help noticing that Minerva looked a bit depressed when we scored (go us!). Decided to give her a cookie afterwards as well. Was horrified when I suddenly saw her trip over. Quickly muttered spell under breath to stop her. Took me a while to notice that the spell didn't help. She fell anyway. Discovered she had nice shoes. Wonder where she bought them from...

Suddenly realised I was still muttering spell. Discovered reason spell didn't work. I'd cast it on Potter instead! Was furious with self. Obviously still need wand to aim. Was about to stop spell when I realised my robes were on fire! Knocked over several people in panic (including Quirrell, serves him right). Tried to put out fire by stomping on it. Took me several seconds to remember my wand. Bit humiliating. Quickly focused attention back on match. Realised Gryffindor had already won. Overheard someone saying something about Potter almost swallowing Snitch. Didn't realise Snitches were tasty. Must try it one day. In the meantime, decided to create design for new robes. Fireballs maybe…

A/N: Sorry if you find the diary a bit too packed. Am just trying to follow diary design (diary writers tend not to care much about paragraphs).


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: A certain someone wanted me to have a go at putting these entries into paragraphs. For the sake of my sanity (she can be very persistent) I have agreed. Please tell me which format you like better.

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Entry Eight

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Heaven (and Hell) forbid! Was casually walking up the stairs when I saw Weasley attacking Malfoy! The horror! Malfoy's hair actually got _ruffled_. Almost fainted from shock. But I could hardly take off 50 points for ruffled hair (much as I'd like to). Had to settle for 5. Thoroughly disappointed. Was in a cranky mood to start with. Found out someone had stolen my socks. Bet it was Quirrell. Never liked my socks. Decided that I'll confront him about it when I got the chance (and the courage).

Christmas decorations started today. The Great Hall is looking spectacular. Tried to corner Minerva under the mistletoe. Turned out I had cornered Trelawney instead. Pretended I didn't see the overly large mistletoe dangling in front of me. Narrow escape.

Received several early presents today, mainly from the staff. Most were sweets. Didn't like half of them. Decided to swap those sweets around (to make sure no one got they're own present) and give them back to some of the staff. Am a smart clever genius. Also got some very nice-smelling shampoo and conditioner from Draco. Shall use it after I finish my bottle of Madam Feller's Fine Fruity Fresh Frangrance Feel.

Said goodnight to all the staff and gave them hugs. Must try to be nice since Christmas is so close. Hope Santa doesn't lose my present this year. Night night!


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Hi again! Thank you so much to those who sent reviews. If you haven't please post one! Just one. It'll only take a minute. Thanks!!!

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Entry Nine

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Merry Christmas!!! Seems that Santa forgot my present again. Should write him a stern letter. Sent Minerva twenty boxes of mistletoe. Gave delivery wizard description of her appearance. Hope she gets the hint. Wonderful feast today. A hundred roast turkeys! Decided to be polite and eat less to save some food for the others. Two turkeys are enough I should think. Went to bed early. Think I might have eaten a bit too much. Am certain I will be able to sleep it off.

Later

Drats! Couldn't get to sleep. Felt peckish. Went downstairs to kitchen to ask whether they had any more turkey. House-elves said no. Meanies. Bet they ate all the leftovers, leaving people like us to starve. Met Filch on the way back to bed. Said something about a student sneaking into the Restricted Section. Students are so stupid. If they want a book from there they should just ask me. Perhaps I should start a black market for restricted books. Will earn lots of money, which will come in handy next time I go sock-shopping (take that Quirrell!). Anyway, had to go student-hunting with Filch. Didn't catch student. Thoroughly disappointed. Wasted precious beauty seep over nothing. Almost strangled Filch for wasting my time, but Filch has filthy hair so strangling him would have been pointless.

Thought I heard footsteps as I was returning to bed. Thought it might have been that pesky student. Followed sound but didn't see anyone. Noticed room with door ajar. Why can't people close doors properly?! Saves me the trouble of doing it later. Went to close door but couldn't resist taking a peek inside. Saw beautiful gold mirror. Went over to admire it (and myself). Was shocked to find pimple on my nose. Then realised it was just a smudge on the mirror. Moved forward to clean it. Suddenly realised I had Potter's hair! Perhaps Santa hadn't forgotten me after all! Went back to sleep in a good mood.


	10. Chapter 10

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Entry Ten

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Woke up today feeling exhausted. That's what happens when I don't get my beauty sleep. Was sure I got bags under my eyes. Went over to mirror to check. Found bags. Covered it up with foundation. Checked mirror again. Noticed hair was still greasy and floppy. Looked into other mirrors just in case. All showed greasy hair. Curse Santa. No, wait. I take that back. Not good to curse Santa, even after Christmas. He might send a herd of stampeding reindeer over to squash me. Am sure I would not enjoy being squished. However, reindeer-squishing might mess up hair. Hair may end up looking like Potter's. Vowed to curse Santa at least once everyday. Curse curse curse.

Was eating big breakfast today (cursing is a very strenuous exercise) when Trelawney came up to me and gave me a big kiss. Was thoroughly taken aback. Didn't know she liked Cockroach Clusters so much (that's what I sent her for Christmas). Trelawney spent all of breakfast acting very friendly. Was incredibly creeped out. Didn't find out until lunchtime that the boxes of mistletoe were sent to her room instead of Minerva's. Apparently my description of 'brunette teacher who wears glasses' was not accurate enough. Delivery wizard said he chose the one he thought best suited me. Am not quite sure I understand what he meant. Doesn't matter. Curse the delivery wizard. No, I take that back. Am sure flock of stampeding owls will not be as effective in ruffling my hair as reindeers.


	11. Chapter 11

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Entry Eleven

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Am refereeing today. Everybody thinks I'm going to favour Hufflepuff. People are so suspicious. Only reason I'm doing this is to show Minerva what a wonderful flier I am. Saw Dumbledore at match today. Perhaps he wanted to see my flying skills too. Bet he's jealous. HAHA!!! Saw Trelawney too. Am not sure what to think. Told her that Quirrell sent the mistletoes as a prank. Noticed she's been very cold to Quirrell lately. Am sure Quirrell had a soft spot for Trelawney. HAHAHA!!! Being evil is fun. Boosts charisma as well.

Quidditch match was thoroughly disappointing. Didn't get enough time to show Minerva my loop-de-loop and Tail End Jig. Was bested by Potter. She shot right past me. Bet he did it on purpose. Show off. Almost hexed him but was afraid I would tamper with his hair. Told Minerva that if I had a Nimbus Two Thousand I could have gone to Japan and back in less than an hour. She told me that if I had a Nimbus Two Thousand she would have shoved it up my nose. Am utterly confused. Does this mean she doesn't like Nimbus Two Thousands or that she doesn't like my nose? Hope it was the first one. That means she doesn't like Potter or his hair, which means she'll pay more attention to me. Or maybe she also wants his hair for herself. Am not sure Minerva will look good with short black hair though. Told her so. She backed away quickly and ran off. Perhaps she wasn't interested in Potter's hair after all…

Saw Quirrell head into the forest when everyone else was at dinner. Followed him. Would be perfect time to confront him about my stolen socks.

Later

Hehehe, I showed that Quirrell! He was cowering and begging for mercy. Told him not to try anymore of his ridiculous hocus pocus. Thought I heard him call me a greasy pig. Am very angry. It's not my fault I'm overweight! Asked him to recommend a diet program. He recommended a place called St Mungo's. Name sounds strangely familiar. Perhaps I should check it out tomorrow.


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Hihi! I know I'm going _slightly_ (in the loosest sense) off the story plot. Don't flame me for it. If you carry a flamethrower, please kindly place it 54366km away from me. Thank you!

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Entry Twelve

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Went to St Mungo's today. Dressed up just in case there was a yoga class there. Thought I looked absolutely smashing in my purple leotard. Reckon I need a bit of a tan though. My skin looks too unfashionably pale. In the meantime I've decided to use fake tan spray. On the way to St Mungo's I caught people staring at me. How rude. Still, am rather flattered people are noticing me. It's a change from people noticing Potter all the time.

Arrived at St Mungo's and entered to see a line of people with…unusual characteristics. There was even a witch with three noses! They must have been rehearsing for a play of something. Went up to the receptionist. She gave me one look and sent me to the 4th floor. Went to floor and realised big sign that said **4th Floor: Spell Damage**. Was thoroughly offended and left immediately. I swear some places have no idea how to treat potential customers. Confronted Quirrell again. Left him in a snivelling wreck. Am rather pleased with myself. Later indulged myself with a block of Honeyduke's best chocolate. Hope I didn't gain more weight. Did 20 minutes of aerobics and tap dancing afterwards just in case. Unfortunately, the rest of the staff walked in in the middle of my tap dancing routine. Slightly awkward moment. They all started to back away. Quirrell was laughing himself mad. Wish he would dive into a piranha infested pond dressed as roast beef. Yum…roast beef… Hope I'm not turning cannibalistic. Told the staff I had spare leotards if they wanted to join me. Surprisingly, Dumbledore, Flitwick and Sprout took one. Said they'd eaten too much during Christmas. Secretly think they just wanted my leotard. Orange, green and pastel pink are very stylish these days. Minerva said we were being ridiculous. Said ballet was much better for losing weight. Also said tutus were more fashionable than leotards. Wonder what I'll look like in a tutu… Trelawney also wanted to join us but I had conveniently 'run out' of leotards. Secretly have a stash hidden in a trunk. Hehe. Am so evil. And brilliant. And stunning in leotards. Don't know what Minerva doesn't see I me…


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: Oh yay! Almost done! I love completing things!

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Entry Thirteen

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It's the end of the year! Finally! No more teaching! Did a little jig in my study. Noticed Minerva doing the same thing. Did another little jig. The end of year feast was grand as always. Slytherin won the house cup again!!! Whoopee!!! Had decided at the last minute to award Slytherin 100 points for being nice to me. Taking off last minute points from the other three houses didn't hurt either. Was thoroughly enjoying myself until Dumbledore _also_ decided to award some last minute points (which would have made my last minute points second-last minute points)! The nerve! He awarded 50 points to Weasley for winning a chess game (big deal) and Granger for solving my puzzle (beaver-faced know-it-all). He also awarded 60 points to Potter (he probably got more because of his striking hair) and 10 points to Neville for being brave. Neville?! Brave?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Ahem. I'm fine. No, actually I'm not. I can't believe Gryffindor snatched the cup from under my very nose (and a beautiful nose it is too)! Still, at least I got to shake Minerva's hand. Bravely asked her to go out with me. Said she'd rather go out with a pig. Told her I _was_ a pig. A greasy pig. Now she _has_ to go out with me. Hurrah! Would have hugged Quirrell and thanked him but I didn't fancy a trip to the cemetery. Apparently Lordie Voldie was hidden under Quirrell's turban but someone (Dumbledore didn't say who) killed Quirrell. Shame, I bought a bag of piranhas the other day. Perhaps I should give it to someone as a gift…

Later

Okay, obviously Trelawney doesn't like piranhas. She freaked and tols me to get out. Apparently piranhas are an omen of death. Hm…dead fish….fish and chips…Have to go now. Going to the kitchen! Feeling peckish. On the other hand, this diary looks very tasty…

A/N: Whew! Done! Go me! I actually started something and finished it! Hey, I just realised this diary finished on the _thirteenth_ chapter… Trelawney would have a field day with this. Perhaps it was just a coincidence… Please review and tell me what you thought of the whole diary. And I thank ye for being faithful till the end (or something like that….)!


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